[Just a small rant, guys. I'm sorry. We all have to vent sometimes before we put our big girl panties back on an deal with it, right?]
Since Travis lost his job a month and a half ago things have really changed our family dynamic. We don't talk anymore. Rarely do we chuckle at the little ones, and I couldn't tell you the last time that we both sat side by side just "knowing" that everything would be alright. We don't know that anymore. It all happened so amazingly fast that I didn't even realize the severity of it all. I didn't realize how severe splurging on an ice cream cone for the 5 year old or on a coffee in the morning was. Today I do. Today we used our last five dollars to put into our gas tank, and pray that gas tank will take Travis just far enough tomorrow to find work.
He has been out every single day. I have been checking the newspapers for listings and the internet. Nothing. No one in our area seems to be doing any hiring. I have to choke back tears in order to even type this, but we are completely broke. The $75 basketball camp I had promised for my 5 year old - Gone. The work that needs to be done to the family car - done.
I can't do any of these things. I cannot do anymore but sit here and look and hope and pray. It hurts my heart when my sweet little boy wants a big boy bike like his friends have and that he should have. But, he doesn't. Because, I can't.
I have had to sign up on WIC for my baby's formula, but he won't get his first can until the 14th, and he has none. He has a half pack of diapers left. I am still trying to stuff him into his 0-3 month clothes because I can't afford to buy new ones yet. He just looks at me, however, like I am the most precious person on this Earth, and smiles. He has no clue. No clue at all.
My five year old is starting to notice that I tell him no a lot more often. Our time lately has been cut down to just hanging around the house all of the time and playing with old toys. No vacation this year. Nothing this year.
I didn't want to sign up on WIC nor food stamps, but I have no other choice. I will die before I go without feeding my children. I would hold up Wal-mart with a water gun before I let that happen. My family and friends have helped more than I can mention, and I thank each and everyone of you for that!
I just don't understand. We are both trying so hard and nothing is coming. I try not to let the family see it, but I am scared to death. My insides shake when I lie down at night. I don't sleep, but I lay there and watch my beautiful babies slumber. My beautiful boys who deserve so much more.
Some nights I fall to my knees wondering why someone like myself would be blessed with these two little miracles. Then I pray to God to please don't let them see their mommy cry.
Honestly, I've never had to do this before, and I pray to God that I may never have to do it again, but if anyone out there has some old (preferably) unused diaperslying around the house or maybe some Elecare baby formula you're not using, then please send them my way. Baby boy clothes 3-6months are appreciated. Boys size 6 also appreciated. Anything. Just anything will help right now.Also, to those have sent warm thoughts and hugs and so much more, I thank you. I truly do. From the bottom of my broken down old rusty heart.
