As the ones who have been reading my blog in the past know, I just met my biological father, that I call my New Dad, in January. Since then things have been okay, but at times I'm left feeling unwanted and pushy. Times like today.
Normally I visit usually every other weekend. I'm presuming this was the weekend I was to visit, because I called yesterday and he invited me up. I got myself and the kid ready, and right before we were getting ready to leave I got a call from him saying: You haven't left yet have you? I'm going to have to work today, so why don't you guys come up tomorrow and we will grill out. In a cheerful voice I reply, "Okay, that's fine. Yeah, sounds good to me." Then we hang up and I bawl my eyes out, ruining my perfectly applied eyeliner.
It's times like this when I wonder if what his evil daughter tells me is true. Maybe it is true that if he wanted anything to do with me that he would've contacted me; rather than me calling him up out of the blue last Christmas. Maybe he doesn't have a good relationship with his other daughter's and doesn't care to have one with me either. I'm so confused about every aspect of this new relationship that just thinking about it right now is bringing me to tears.
Today comes. The day of the so-called grill out. It's already 1pm and I haven't heard from him. I wasn't going to call him at all, and I believe that if I wouldn't have that he wouldn't have bothered to call me either. But, just wanting to see if he said anything about our 'plans' I call him. He asks if we're coming up. I tell him I guess we will if he's not going to be busy. He more or less says that we can come up whenever we want, that he can be home at any time. Then he adds that his wife has gone to see his daughter that's in prison, and that she won't be back until 3:30. That confuses me to no end. What does it matter if she is there or not? Does she have to be there every time we see each other? I was going to try to hurry and get ready so that I could visit with him without her for once. But, then my phone rings again. He says : let's just wait until the wife gets home and we can meet in town for dinner. Okay, I say. Still feeling a little unwanted, and questioning whether I will really go or not. He never makes any plans for us to do by ourselves. It seems like there always has to be a crowd around when we are together. I would have loved to have dinner with him by ourselves so that we can actually talk rather than fill that space with empty meaningless conversation that is edited for his wife's approval.
I'm not sure what it is. He had gotten in the habit before of handing me money ($100 or $200) every time we were together alone. I kept telling him not to do this, but he insisted, and I'll admit that I did take it because I needed it so badly. I'm wondering if he tries to keep her around when I'm with him, because she won't approve of him giving me any money, and he won't do it in front of her. I've told him that I don't want his money, and that I don't expect him to give me any. It fucking hurts, and I'm just rambling on and on.
I don't know what is going on with this relationship, but I'm very disappointed in the way it is turning out. I was very excited to get to meet my dad, and see what he is all about, but how can I do that when his wife is there every freakin' time diverting the conversation to something meaningless and stupid.
I'm crying as I'm writing this and I have no idea why. I just expected so much more. I just expected him to love me and want to spend time with me - by himself. To want to get to know me a little bit more than he does. We took a trip to Nashville, TN. one time together (with his granddaughter that slept in the back the whole time) and that was the best visit we've ever had together. He owns a trucking company, and we rode down there in one of his big trucks. I really enjoyed it. I liked being able to really talk to him, and just him. I felt like he wanted me to ride with him to get to know me better.
I feel like those days are over and now we spend our visits doing meaningless things that are just wasting our time together away.
I'm just so disappointed in this whole thing. Sometimes I feel like never calling him back, and I wonder if he would ever even call me if I didn't.
My heart aches.
