Sitting back here on the back porch, sucking back cigarettes, and kicking my feet up - I started to think. Yeah, I know. Finally, the end of the week, spring break is over, and I can relax. What do I do? I start that thinkin' crap again.
I don't mind to admit that during my meager twenty-four years I have more than likely seen things with my eyes that other women my age only read about in books or see on tv. Believe me, I'm not bragging. There are many things from my past that I wish I could erase. Many horrible scenes to delete, and lots of embarrassing decisions I'd like to edit out. If only life were that simple, right? Honestly, I believe that all of the aspects of my life, both bad and good, have a purpose in the grand scheme of things.
Some people would say that I've made many mistakes throughout my life, but I have to disagree. I have had many negative experiences, both from bad decisions I've made, and poor judgment of others. Maybe I've even traveled down a couple of "wrong paths." Do I regret it? No. In my opinion all of the lessons I've learned from my 'young and dumb' years serve a purpose, and help to make me who I am today (I know that's not saying much). All the pain, the heartache, the hopelessness, lies, fighting, bruises, deep depression, and hitting rock bottom - it is all to strengthen me for the battle I will fight in the days to come. You may disagree. That is fine.
Then I also got to thinking while looking back on my past : Motherhood.Changes.Everything.
Before I had a son my happiness came from the world around me. Long talks with the boyfriend or spending nights out laughing with the girls. During this time a cell phone was my most prized possession, and I would be damned if I dare miss a call. After becoming a mother my joy ignites from within while watching my sweet baby slumber with his teddy bear in hand. My cell is still my companion, but it's main function is to make doctor appointments or in case of calls from the school nurse.
Before becoming a mother I was allowed a bad day. I could take time out to hide in my bedroom from the cruel world outside, and was free to spend the rest of the evening smothering my tears away in my pillow. After becoming a mother I have learned to quickly wipe away that tear and force a smile if the little one is looking. If need be, but only in more serious situations, I may sneak away to lock myself in the bathroom. Quietly sobbing into my hands only to wipe away the smeared mascara and put on a bright smile in case the little one is standing there when I open the door.
P.S. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter or Passover or whatever it is you do. :)