The Atomic Mom

My Son : Will he ever forget?

(img coutesy of ObviousMag.)

I don't talk much about my ex here on this blog. When I do talk about him I categorize it under 5 Years, because I consider it a 5 Year Reign of Terror. He was a drug addict. A liar. A thief. He abused me mentally and physically, and didn't care one bit to do it in front of my (then infant) son. My son continues to think he hung the moon.

When things got to bad; when I couldn't take it anymore I left him. I never would have had the nerve to do it had he not been serving a year sentence in jail for "theft of a controlled substance." I met Travis, and I knew then that he (the ex) couldn't hurt me from behind bars, and I left. Why this was so painful for me I will never know, but that is a story for another post.

Since our break up the ex has seen my son only a handful of times. He went to jail in 2007, was released at the end of 2008, and over the past year and then some he hasn't even bothered. He is too busy with the new girl and taking care of her three daughters (one which is his).

Ah, this is such a confusing post to write. It's like every subject or person I mention can branch out into a whole different blog post, and I want to talk about a couple of different aspects, so if I confuse you, I am sorry.

The New Girl, as I call her, is older than me. She is separated from a man who also has serious drug problem whom she has two daughters with. Now she is with a man with a serious drug problem yet again and has another daughter. Of course, he mistreats her. I have to wonder if it is as bad as it was when I was with him, because he seems to have calmed down a bit, but I'm sure it is bad regardless of the degree. I can't help feel sorry for this girl. I knew her before they got together, and she was a very strong and independent woman. He has completely broken her, too. He cheats on her, this I know to be true. I know that he has hit her at least once, and she told me that herself. She works full time, and he does nothing. He leeches off of her. When he first got out of jail I asked him why he was with her, and he responded, "Well what did you expect me to do? I had nowhere to go. No money. No nothing." So, yeah. Even though they have been together for over a year now I will still get the occasional call saying that "it's just not the same with her as it was with me" and "he doesn't think he can ever feel that way about anyone else." But that, too, is another story.

He is just plain bad on so many levels.

Regardless of what he does and despite all of the pain he causes, my son adores him. Even though my son is a somewhat shy and quiet child I know he would run up and jump in his arms if we were to see him in a public place. Even though Travis and I have been together since my son was less than 2 years old, he can't seem to build a love with him like my son seems to still have for his father. Even though his dad has never been a father, my son seems to still think he deserves the title "daddy."

I just don't get it. I really really don't. Travis has been the man in my son's life for as long as he can remember while his dad watched from the sidelines (when he could even be bothered to do that), yet my son is crazy about him.

Will he ever forget?

Will Travis ever have a place in my son's heart that can compare to that of his "father's"?

 

I Love Staying Busy...

Especially when staying busy means sitting on my arse with my laptop in hand. Still, I've gotten quite a bit accomplished today, internet wise, that is. Everything else had to be put on hold for my very busy work. Dishes to the ceiling? Oh well, it can wait. I have to Facebook! Laundry piled in the hallway? No worries. I have to talk about sex for a minute.

I can't be bothered with the nonsense of housework and daily life right now, because I have twittering to do! Ah, I love my job. Now, if only I could get paid for all of this shit.

First off, I want to tell you about a new section of my blog that I'm dedicating to addicts/alcoholics and/or their family members. My life has been touched by addiction in so many ways, and I hope that by coming together to share our stories that we can help someone who is suffering right now. I would love to compile stories from readers and friends about their battles with addiction/alcoholism. You can e-mail these stories to me, and they will be posted anonymously unless otherwise requested. Click here to learn more about The Addiction Project, or you can conveniently click the [[addicted]] link on my header at any time.

Where I have been today when I wasn't here:

 

 

 

What is The Atomic Mom without a Facebook Fan Page? Nothing more than a crumb of the cookie called The Internet. But now, now, I am something special. I have my own fan page! Which was made by me, and that obviously means I am my own biggest fan. FML. Anyway, if you're one of those facebookey people like I am now, then go there. I must admit that I was totally inspired by my internet mentor Scary Mommy, who just happens to have a pretty nifty fan page over there on Facebook, as well. I can't help but mention I made a personal facebook page for myself, also, because the other 4 million social media programs that I use just aren't enough. Then, I got tired of Facebook, and had to find something else to occupy my already-too-occupied mind. So, I did this:

 

 

 

This, my friends, is gold. It's title is Atomic Sex, which I believe to be very creative and unique. It's a sex bloglet. I call it a bloglet, because it's not quite a full fledge blog, but just a space for me to air out some dirty laundry when it comes to sex related things. Sex is a topic that I've had plenty some experience with in the past, and I'm going to use this bloglet to rehash some old memories and maybe spark some new ideas. It's all sex, all the time baby. I would have just kept it over here at Atomic Mom, but it's hard for me to put the words mom and sex in a sentence together. Any sexual topics you'd like to discuss? You know what to do. mama2boys2010 (at) live (dot) com. We'll talk it over, and hopefully get some input from other readers as well. Who am I kidding? I'll spend most of my time over there talking to myself, but hell, that beats nothing. Just click it and comment. Click and comment. You can get to this yummy little morsel anytime by clicking the 'Atomic Sex' logo to the right of your screen.

After working so hard on my little internet projects today, my brain is mush, and I couldn't competently discuss any other subject, or ANY subject for that matter, at this point.

The Man : What are you doing?

Me : Writing about faking an orgasm.

The Man : Oh, well you should know about that. You do it a lot.

Me : No, I don't! *trying to sound offended* I just know how.

The Man : Uh huh.

Me : Zzzgggrrrrgggbraindeadzzzzrrrgg. *staring at laptop screen and drooling*

The man hands me a napkin to wipe the drool from my white numb staring-at-the-screen-for-too-long face.

I've had enough internet for today. I'm going to go upstairs now to attempt to watch The Blind Side for the fourth time. I fell asleep midway through the other three times. I'm blaming it on the pregnancy, because the movie seems to  be good. That is, what parts I remember before completely zonking out. Lately I feel like I could sleep 24/7, and I probably really could.

Which is what I'm gonna go do now. Er, I mean.. watch this movie. Goodnight.

P.S. I have a very exciting review coming up that I'll fill you all in on later. It actually has to do with meeting with a real representative from a real company! *gasp* I don't even own a suite and tie. Oh, wait. Nevermind.

 

 

 

Addiction : Bravery

[Addiction has touched my life in so many ways, and I have decided to start talking more about it on my blog. If this type of subject matter is too much for you, then feel free to click on over to Momlogic.com for some other good reads/discussions.]

Some people have it, and others do not. Bravery, that is.

The ones I am speaking of are people who blog about a deafening truth. A truth that many of us, even if we are touched by it, rarely are brave enough to speak of it.

This truth is addiction.

Many of us have some type of vice or other, but few of us are ready to share anything like that. On our blogs we try to seem perfect, and untouched by the world's evil ways, and although many times this isn't the case; we try not to show it.

I want to be one of the first to tell the story. Actually, I know I'm not one of the first, and I know there are many out there just like myself and Maggie. Maggie is much braver than I, as she takes responsibility for the addiction that she possesses (or should I say possessed her). I, on the other hand, only wish to talk about addiction and how it has effected my life and my loved ones.

I want to be able to talk about how I watched my very best high school friend drown herself in an ocean of prescription medication. I want to be able to talk about how my ex-boyfriend spent way too much time in the bathroom with a belt wrapped around his arm. I want to talk about how the area that I live in is known for it's abuse of prescription meds, and the interstate that I live off of is called a "pipeline" for OxyContin.

People I haven't seen in years are unrecognizable to me. Scarred faces, toothless mouths, and the overbearing odor of dope. These people take advantage of friends and family members, feeding them lies about money problems in order to get the funds to get their next high. Their children have no parents, but surrogates, in the form of grandma and grandpa.

The absolute and only thing on their mind is 'feeling better'.

Why hasn't this been stopped? Your guess is as good as mine. We have drug dealers who have been dealing for years, and never been busted. We do have police officers, if that is what you call them, but it seems to me that they are more worried about making their quota on traffic tickets rather than on what is really plaguing our beautiful countryside.

When I was a child this was a wonderful place to live. Friendly people, familiar faces, beautiful scenery. Now, it is full of abandoned businesses, and people that are barely making it by.

Almost every family that I know has been effected by addiction in some way or another. Every single one of them, including my own.

Maybe one day I will be brave enough to share my story, but for now I will continue to focus on the stories and lives of others, while I sit here comfortably in my glass house. 

It saddens me that I will be raising my children under these conditions, because honestly I don't want them to feel the pain that I have felt. I don't want them to see the things I have seen, and even though I know it's not possible, I would like for them to grow up believing that the world really is a good place, and that people really are (in spirit) good.

So, what do I do? Do I talk to my children (when they are old enough) about the evils I have experienced? Or, do I let them learn things on their own, and be there when they have a question or a sticky situation?

 

Hopefully, dear readers, I will be able to build up my courage enough in the future to share my personal experiences with the beast named Addiction. But, for now I am too weak. Too vulnerable. Too scared.