[Disclaimer : This is a post taken from my Wordpress blog. In order to view the original post you'll need to go here]
[ I had a witty picture for here, but even Wordpress hates me today. FML.]
I sent my physician a request to add her to my Facebook friends list a couple of weeks ago. As of now she hasn't confirmed my request to add her yet, which I'm realizing isn't a bad thing, because I can't promise that I wouldn't be "tagging her wall" with some serious pleas for Xanax.
I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed. Turned. Sighed. Got up to pee 1400x and did it all over. Finally a couple of hours ago I fell asleep, and then maybe an HOUR ago Travis' alarm went off for him to get up for work. I, too, woke up. I laid there for a while making sure to close my eyes every time he ventured into the bedroom, just so he wouldn't know I was awake. I felt him lie down beside me in full working man attire, and I knew the time was drawing near. I knew it was almost time to get up and take him to work, because being the young broke couple that we are we only have 1 vehicle.
"I don't wanna goooooo..." I groaned. He comforted me by telling me that I didn't have to. He said he would have his mother *AcK* come and bring me to get the car later today. Being the lazy arse that I am I said okay, and felt good about the fact that I could stay in the warm bed. After he kissed me goodbye and headed out into the world I was still lying there, awake, like I had been up smoking crack with the neighbors all night. Which I can assure you I wasn't, but my brain just won't STOP.
It's been this way for a couple of weeks. I am running on something that I'm not accustomed to. My mind is whirling. Whizzing. 230 mph all day every day. My body, on the other hand is tired. An almost lifelong battle with Depression and being in the last loop of the pregnancy race will do that to anybody. The dishes are piling up. The laundry is right on it's heels. Me, I'm just plain worried.
Why am I worried? Money. Am I the only one? Absolutely not. As a matter of fact I don't even associate with anyone on a day-to-day basis that isn't worried a bit about finances. I also don't know anyone who lives week to week like we do, and is almost always broke by Wednesday. Pay day is Thursday, and by Wednesday morning we are scraping for change to put gas in the car. Plus, we have a baby that will be here in a month? WTF. I could choke myself. Today, breast-feeding doesn't really look that bad, and I might need to invest in some cloth diapers, because really.. he may just starve and have to learn to use a bed pan if I don't.
I am a couple of weeks into a new job, and pay-day for me is this week, too. I know that things will pull together, but I don't see myself being able to take any time off after my beloved #2 gets here. As a matter of fact I've already planned the e-mail in my head that I will send to whoever gets e-mails like that saying that I hope they will hold my job for a week, that I should be more than ready to return within a week. My plan as of now is to squeeze a living being from my loins and be back at work by the end of the week, painkillers in hand. Basically.. birth him.. hug him.. get ready for work. Welcome baby!
I just don't see how we will ever make it if I don't. I have no way of making money at home, unless I Ebay our stuff, which I'm sure Travis wouldn't be too happy with. I can imagine the look on his face when he comes home and notices the TV missing.. but I will have cash in my pocket, right? I will swear one of our neighbors must've came in while we were at work. He will swear that I've been "smokin' that shit again".
What absolutely broke my heart this morning? I got up to realize that he didn't even take any money to eat/drink on at work. Nothing. He will be there working his ass off and starving/thirsting to death all because he wanted to leave me the last $3 that we had. I also was so lazy this morning that now his mom will have to come pick me up to make sure I get to work today. Also, he is going to ask her for a $20 to do us until tomorrow, which when she hands to me will make me want to melt into the Earth. It shouldn't, because really has a week went by when we DIDN'T have to get a little loan until pay-day? I doubt it, but I'm usually not the one standing there with my hand out. I don't like doing that. Sometimes, however, it is necessary.
There are some things I've got to learn to be better at. Cooking will just have to wait for now, because I have to learn basic skills first. Managing money and a home. Not so easy for the pampered little girl who was always spoiled by mama.
As I look around this cluttered house I realize that now isn't a bad time to admit - I want my mommy.