As most of you know, or at least the ones who follow my blog should, Pup was the name that I had chosen for my man. My better half. My significant other. The reason that I came up with that name for him is personal to me, but can be explained with my overwhelming need to 'take care' of people. My mother has always chastised me for bringing home "stray pups," by which she meant men that I took care of.
That was not the case with Pup, however. The name just kind of popped into my head when I was trying to come up with a pseudonym for him - rather than having his real name posted all over the interweb. I did feel an overwhelming need to take care of him. To make sure that he had everything he needed, and to make sure he was happy. I felt it my duty to do so.
About a week ago our two year relationship ended. There are various reasons, but none are because of him only. He did nothing to make me want to leave him. He also did nothing to make me want to stay with him. I just felt that we were holding each other back, and that I would not be able to reach my full potential with him in tow. I feel the same about him. I feel as though there is someone out there who is a perfect match for him, and who deserves all of the love he so generously gives, but that person is not me.
I need to work on myself. He says that is an excuse, and doesn't believe me when I say I just need time by myself. However, it is the truth.
When I am in a relationship I become extremely needy and dependent on the other half of the equation. I set really high expectations, and become bitter when they are not met. I depend on this person to guide me, to make decisions for me, and to clear up any crisis that may occur. I realize that this is a fault of mine, and as a woman now of twenty five years of age, I do believe it is time to 'man up' as they say.
For the first time in my adult life (and especially after the birth of my son) I am on my own (i.e. no relationship). For the better part of my adult life I was the better half of a dark circle. For the other two years I have been with a very loving and kind man. I have yet to walk this road alone, but I feel it is time.
Pup, you are amazing. You are generous. You are kind. You were a miracle who walked into my life at the very time I needed you most. If I were being dramatic I could say that you saved my life. You gave me everything you had to offer, and never regretted any of it. You stuck by me through thick and thin. You held my hand during our horrible night at the hospital. You wheeled me out to smoke whenever I needed, and you shared with me the horrible sight of our miscarried child. I may never forget the pain I saw in your eyes that night. There are many things that I may never forget about you, many good memories, and a couple bad. That is what relationships are made of.
Honestly, I feel as though I sucked you dry, squeezed the life out of you, and just threw you back out onto the street. That is what I feel like.
Nothing you could have done would have changed any of this.
I just need to learn to stand on my own two feet. Not just for me, but for my son.