I tried to lay down and get some sleep after such a horrible day, but sleep eludes me. My mind is frantic, confused, and bothered. My heart is aching to the point of actual physical pain, and it's not understandable to me. Today, to say the least, was a very bad day.
I go to work to pick up my paycheck, and was told that I had written my schedule down wrong, and that I had to be there at noon rather than three. Okay, not that big of a deal. I ran across the street to cash my check and came right back. All day at work I was bothered and felt like things just weren't write. I wasn't worth a fuck at work. I couldn't stay focused, and I just wanted to leave so bad. At some point during the day I noticed that everyone around me was buzzing with happiness - they had gotten their summertime bonus. I was the only one at the company who didn't receive one. I know that I haven't been there a very long time, but they could have given me something. Anything. Five dollars would have even made me feel not so left out. It would be different if I weren't the only one not to receive one, but I was. Everyone else was told to just not discuss it. Oh, but they did. They were all so happy, and talked about all the nice things they could buy now, while I was standing around trying to think of ways to stretch my measly earnings for two weeks. I don't know why, but that hurt.
I managed to leave work a little bit early to see my baby graduate preschool. My mother was waiting on me outside. When we start to walk through the gymnasium doors I see him. His father had shown up. I managed to smile when I walked by, and said "excuse me" when squeezing between him and someone else. He said, "What are you doing?" I replied with "Oh, nothing.. came to see the baby." He was just like "yeah.." and that was it. My mom is following me and she starts vomiting at the mouth telling him to leave, and telling him that she doesn't even want my son to see him. He just walks off and sits in the corner. He wasn't doing anyone any harm, and just came to watch from the shadows.
That isn't good enough for my mother. She always has to feel like she won. She goes outside and calls the cops to tell them that he's violated the stupid E.P.O. she issued when he tried to bring my son's birthday presents last year. She actually put him in jail for that, and got an E.P.O.
In walks a sheriff, and he knows what's going on, so he starts walking toward him, and they walk out together. My mom is sitting in the stands smiling. I followed them out to see if he took him to jail, but he didn't. He just told him to leave. I was steaming by this point. I was so pissed that I was seeing red.
I mean, really, who the fuck does she think she is? I was actually very happy that he showed up just to watch my son sing silly songs and get a graduation certificate. He didn't mean any harm, and only planned on watching from the side. The baby would have never even known he was there. It made me feel good, because I remember being little and feeling so lonely when I would look up in the stands and only see my mom. I remember how the other children had big families up there cheering them on, and I never did. Even if he wouldn't have known, his dad would have at least been there to cheer him on, which is more than I can say for my dad, and who is she to take that away from him?? Yes, I know he wasn't very good to me, but he has always been good to the baby.
It just made me so happy to see him standing there alone on his own free will. I haven't even talked to him in a very long time, and I don't even know how he knew what time the ceremony was, but he showed up to sit on the complete other side of the gym and watch his only son from across the room. I mean, I would have gave him that much.
Oh, not mom. She plans on making sure that he NEVER sees my son. She has made that her mission in life, and she wanted him put in jail for it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel as though if I have gotten over the hell he put me through, and am able to move on.. then everyone else can at least be civil about it. I mean, I don't even think about all that happened in the past when I see him, but she will not let it pass. Will not. Then with her acting like a complete idiot in front of everyone, and thinking that she won when he was escorted out - oh it ate me up. This is MY life.. I wish she would just let me be.
Yes, he did something wrong TO ME. That is why we are not together, but I wouldn't stop him from quietly watching our son. Who am I to stop that? I don't even feel like I have a right from keeping him there, so why should she?
She just thinks she's something else. Damn queen of the world or something...
I am civil enough to forgive him. No, I will never forget, but I can move on to the next chapter. Why am I not allowed to move on to the next chapter?
Tonight's events have brought back so many painful memories of the past... and I'm sitting here with my heart completely torn to pieces. Watching him being escorted out was horrible, and I would have died if my boy would've seen that. I would have died.
The thing is that she's been like this my son's whole life. She has done anything and everything to keep his father away. She even swears every day that before she dies she will kill him. The sad part is that she means it. She is the last thing on his mind, but obviously she can't get him off of hers, and it's getting to the point where I've had enough. No, he's nothing to me, but he IS a human being. At least now anyway, and I am getting so sick and tired of this. Even when I was in the delivery room at the age of 20 she told the nurses that he was not allowed there, and to tell him to quit calling. He wasn't even "allowed" there for the birth of my son.. and my mother made sure she was after telling me that I was pregnant with a 'nigger bastard'.
I've got to get out of here as soon as possible. I'm 24 years old, and now is not the time when I need my mother trying to run my life.
She is such a sick sad woman. I just can't stop the tears. I can't stop my mind from churning and my heart from aching. This is MY life damn it. MINE. I want to scream that from the top of my lungs.